The Battle

As I posted earlier, I am battling with depression. It really is an invisible illness, and in my case is coupled with another invisible illness that isn't amoung the popular, let's go walk to raise money, recognizable issues.  In fact, every doctor (except one of Ethyl's doctors) Ethyl and I have seen has relied on me to provide them with the ins and outs of our syndrome.  I have even been told, "well, doesn't look like you struggle with it too much, so why are you telling me about it?"

Anywho, I have 'come out' in the blogging realm of secret identity about my struggles, but only a select few people know about my struggles and even fewer know the depths of my issues. 

It's really hard to go up to friends and coworkers and saying, "Hey! How are you doing? Me? Oh, I spent most of the weekend crying, thinking of how I could kill myself, trying not to yell at my husband and children.  I have no feeling in my feet, and my left elbow is locked up. Oh, and by the way I forgot to tell you, you really get on my nerves.....in fact, I feel like stabbing you right now and would love to if only my fucking elbow would move!"

Somehow, I don't think Ann Landers would approve of that sort of talk in the break room.

On here, I can vent to the faceless masses and tell you about these horrible thoughts.  I don't give a shit if you judge me.  I share with you my frustrations.  It's safe, because I don't know you and you don't know me.

But, I don't just vent on here for my release.  I want you to know what I'm feeling.  Because I want you to know things aren't always what they seem to be. And I want you to take that into consideration before judging those around you.

That person who always smiles and seems so happy all of the time.....he or she may be smiling to keep from breaking down crying.  I know I do.

The friend who always wear her makeup *just so* and her hair is nicely done.  You know, the one whose manicure is always so nice.  She may be trying to create an image of someone in control.  I know I do.

The coworker who you see taking a little bit longer break may be trying to stretch out some sore joints, get feeling back into their hands or feet, or trying to build up courage to go back to a job they hate.  I know I do.

The person you see using the scooter at the store who doesn't look overweight, pregnant, or like they have any broken bones may have such severe joint pain that even walking across the store after working all day seems like running a marathon.  I know I do.

The coworker you can see daydreaming during a meeting, may be thinking of an intricate scheme to die in a tragic car accident because wouldn't it just be better if they weren't around any more.  I know I do.

The neighbor that doesn't wave to you on your street, may be trying to figure out how to afford the recent hospital visits their child has had and the specialists visits yet to come.  I know I do.

I pray and I take medication under my doctor's advice.  I'm getting help and will win the battles I'm facing.  All of those situations have happened in the past week to me......and yet I spoke to no one about what I was really feeling.  Partly because I don't want people to know, and partly because......I'm scared. 

What if I opened up and showed people all of the shit I'm carrying around and they couldn't handle it?  I've spent so long trying to look like I'm okay, I don't know who I would be if I quit pretending.  I've gone so long being tight lipped about the amount of pain and discomfort I'm in every single day, if I start sharing that are you going to believe me?

This space is my bubble, my place I can vent and get feedback.  My goal is to work on learning who I am on here with you, so I can be comfortable on my own out there.  This is me crying for help.