Sunday, May 8, 2011

Spin Cycle

As I lay here in bed waiting for my pain pills to kick in and dread going back to work tomorrow, other thoughts swirl around.  I realize I'm stuck in a spin cycle.

This is when I reach the point where just about everything grates on me the wrong way and I hurt all over to the point even a sheet is uncomfortable (which would give anyone driving past quite the show, since our bedroom faces the road!).  Every sound is like nails on a chalkboard.  I have no desire to do anything, and feel overwhelmed by everything I'm not doing.

To be quite honest, I'm staving off the panic attack I feel coming on my writing about it instead of letting these thoughts consume me.

I feel worthless.  My laundry is overtaking my house....both the dirty and the clean stuff that needs to be folded and put away.   After an incredibly hectic weekend, my house is cluttered, messy and a pit.  And I have no time to clean it.  And even if I did, my body hurts so bad I'm trying not to cry.

I wish I could tell you right where it hurts, but I can't.  It's like aches all over with random and sporadic stabs thrown in for good measure.  Cause my body fucking hates me.

And all I'm thinking, is how I have to go to work tomorrow.  Where I'll paint on a happy face, because no one understands what I feel.  Mentally, I'm sure they's the physical thing they don't get.  People either try to one up me with tales of their own body woes or mock my pain by telling me that I look okay. 

And, at times I do wonder if it isn't all in my head.  I wish I could trade bodies with someone for a day.  See if I'm just a big pussy making everyday aches and pains into mountains.  Or, see if I'm justified in my descriptions of what I feel like most days.

This is my spin cycle....all of this and more going around and around in my mind over and over again.  The more I add to the spin cycle, the faster it goes and the harder it is to stop.

I don't know how much of this will make sense, nor am I spell checking or proof-reading this.  I just need to vent.  Now that my hands are cramping horribly, I'm going to put some earplugs in and try to get some sleep.   Hopefully tomorrow I'll have a funny story to share....but tonight I can't paste on that happy face.

1 comment:

  1. I can't claim to know the physical side of your issues, but I can relate to the depression stuff. I have very high highs......and very low lows. I go to work everyday and I'm usually pretty happy there......but when I'm home it overwhelms me.

    I hope that things get better for you soon.